Wanzology

  Yo, yo, yo, what's happening for ya? Welcome. Welcome to another episode of WANZOLOGY. I am your host, The Wanz, and yes, we are still continuing to read from the book, The Book Of Wanz. You can get one of your own, you know, hashtag the book of wands is what you search for when you go to amazon.com and they'll make a copy just for you. Okay. Awesome.

So, Oh, one more thing. Hey, I hope that you're telling people about this podcast. It would be really cool if you did. I’m going to be launching a website soon. Called WANZOLOGY, and I'm going to have a blog on it and I'd like to have a blog and have you and yours and others participate in whatever discussion happens to be the topic of the week. We can talk about this episode or that episode, questions. It'll be awesome. So, uh, let's get some of your friends on board. Let's get, uh, let's grow this thing, man. Thank you.

So, today's chapter is called FOCUS ON THE EFFORT CAUSE THE RESULTS AREN'T UP TO YOU.

I used to be an optimist. I used to believe that good things were gonna happen to me all the time, every time, in everything. I found out that when they didn't work out in my favor, I'd get depressed, or angry. Then I'd get drunk, or high, or something. It would sometimes take a week for me to get back to the point where I would try to make something happen again. But often the results would be the same and the pattern would repeat itself.

After a few years, I stopped believing anything good would or could ever happen to me. I became convinced that only bad things were going to happen to me. It was just a matter of how bad those things would be. Even years after getting sober, I still had circumstances happen to me with work, relationships, or music. The reality was life wasn't turning out how I thought it should. My expectations weren't being met. I had a few people around who warned me about expectations, but for some reason, I couldn't get it through my thick skull that I was the problem.

I sought professional help from a psychiatrist to help me figure out why I couldn't let go of this old way of thinking. After months of work, I started to realize that I didn't control my life. I controlled its direction and the pace I moved in it, but I didn't control what happened. It was then I realized I could want what I want if I didn't take action towards getting it. I'd never get it. If I didn't prepare for a challenge, I wouldn't meet it. If I didn't put in the work, I wouldn't get the paycheck. Once I began getting into this habit of not having any expectations about any result, I noticed I felt better about life overall. I found that acceptance of what was happening was something that I could do. How I accepted things in life was where I had all the control. Since that pivotal point in my life, I have breathed a lot easier, been a lot happier, and been able to focus on the quality of my efforts rather than the quantity. Like a school exam, I can study and prepare for almost anything in life these days. The better I prepare, the better choices I make. The better the choices, the better the outcome has been. So now, the idea of letting life do what it does, and not expect anything to be the way I want it to be, is great! More of Life is a surprise, and I like surprises. You dig?

Having expectations is turned into, like, this big, huge, I mean, HUGE mud puddle that I have to keep from stepping in. I mean, how many days do you expect that the weather's gonna be great, but when you wake up, it's cloudy, or it's raining? How many times do you get into your vehicle, you start it and it's like, I'm going to go somewhere and you don't have any gas or what about the, wow, I can't believe this person's going to go out with me, and then 2 hours before you're supposed to meet up, cancelled. Expectations are dangerous for some people. Not for everyone, just for some. There are some who can't get their mind around not having an expectation, and of course, there are exceptions to every generality, like this one. So that means there are certain expectations that are not dangerous.

It's not bad to expect that someone says thank you. When you do something for him, it’s not bad to expect that everyone on the freeway is going to go the same direction as you are. Or when you come to a four-way stop, everyone stops. Or if you're taking a left turn, that other person doesn't decide to take a right turn. There are certain. Expectations that just happen and we don't even think about them anymore. I mean, we're so used to things going a certain way, but when it comes to ourselves, when it comes to, I'm going to get this raise or she's going to go out with me again, or he is going to go out with me again, or, when you think you really deserve something, and then it doesn't happen, it doesn't come to you. Well, whose fault is that? No one's. There's a phrase in recovery that I used to hate, but now I've come to rely on it. Well, there's actually a couple. The first one is so real, it's mind numbing. Just like when I first got sober, my first mind numbing thought was if “I don't drink, I won't get drunk”. Kaboom went my brain!!! Little while later, I heard the phrase “time takes time”, which I wrestle with pretty much every day trying to live in the moment, right? But as soon as you recognize a moment, you're referring to it in the past. So how do you actually live in the moment, when as soon as you recognize it, it's the past. It’s frustrating. But the one undeniable phrase for us all, “it is what it is”. You can want all you like, but, it is exactly what it is. It doesn’t matter what ‘it’ is. Don't believe me? Let's go back to the weather.

You really, really were looking forward to a sunny day, so you'd go out and do whatever. Nope, it’s not sunny. Well, now what do you do? You really wanted to go on a date with this person because you really like them and it didn't happen. Now what are you going to do? You were really looking forward to this awesome dinner that you spent an hour preparing, but forgot it was in the oven, didn’t set a timer, and it’s ruined. Now what do you do? All these situations are what they are. “It is what it is”. It's burnt. It's raining, cloudy, no date gonna happen. That's what it is. And some, well, like me, I’d get frustrated really easy. I’d get sometimes totally freaking sideways about some of these things to where it was, you know, I didn't want to be around anyone because if you even said my name, I'd be pissed off and tired of rip your head off vocally, and I didn't like that. So I had to learn. How to accept things, which is the only control in life we really have. I remember a phrase that I heard in recovery, “You know, once something's happened, you can't make it unhappened. You can't make it not happen. So the choice is really how are you going to accept it?” Not if. Think about that. When something happens, it’s happened. What do you think about it? How do you react to it? That's the only thing you can control. The how. Maybe some of the why, but it's more of the how. How are you going to react to you just ran out of gas and now you're stuck on the freeway at night in the rain? Hmm. How are you going to get your mind around that little situation? I'll tell you, “it is what it is”.

My nephew gave me a great little toolkit of three lines that have helped me understand better what I can do when and if things happen that I don't really expect. First line, start from wherever you are, not where you'd like to be, not where you were, but where you are. Second line, use whatever you've got, not what you wish you had, but what you have at that moment. And the third line, most important line, do the best you can. Start from wherever you are. Use whatever you've got and do the best you can.

Now, three lines that are very empowering if you really think about it. If you really think about it. Go back to pretty much all your successes, and wouldn't you know, those are exactly the steps that you did and they led to success. You used what you had, however you got it, this is what you got. Then, I mean, you started from where you were, then you used what you had, and then you did the best that you could.
You did the best that you could. Now, if you give your best and something doesn't work out, is that your fault? Are you responsible for the outcome of every situation, every choice that you make? I doubt it. And the only reason I doubt it is because you got to remember, you're not the only one living at the moment. You're not the only one making choices. Everyone is doing it all at the same time. And the things that I say that work for me may not work for you. Your results may vary, but that's not the point. The result is not the point. The effort is the point. Because that's what you can control. You can be lazy. You can be overconfident, you can be, you know, workaholic. I don't know, you can just make sure you try really, really, really hard. Or you can be somewhere in the middle. Either way. What's going to happen? We'll see. We'll see. And the funny thing about taking an approach like this is like, huh, look at that. I opened my eyes and what I thought was yesterday. Now it's today.

Don't know about you, but I take inventory every morning. Do all five senses work? Hmm? I've come to believe that as long as all five senses work. If all five of them are working, I got a chance. What kind of chance? Better than some. Somebody didn't wake up like you did today. Somebody doesn't have what you have, not going to go where you go and do what you do. Everybody's different, but human beings usually have five senses. Sometimes one or two of them aren't working. You still have them. Um, They just don't work, but if you have all five senses, you have a chance. You got a shot, as I would say. I got a shot at being successful at whatever I try, but first I have to have those five things. That gets me out of bed every day. Bar’s pretty low, but my success rate is a hundred percent. I can't remember a day I did not wake up without my five senses. So based on that evidence of the past, I like my chances.

What about you? Do you have the ability to focus on how you're going about things? Does it make sense to you what my pop used to tell me? “Nothing beats a try, but a fail”. It took a long time for me to understand what that meant. “Nothing beats a try, but a fail”. How much of that do you control? The failing part, or the try that comes before it?

One of the popular humankind sci fi logic ‘rules’ In air quotes, the second movie of the Star Wars saga, episode five, Empire Strikes Back, and Luke has gone to meet Yoda. To start training to be a Jedi and his ship is sunk into the swamp. Yoda gives him instruction on how he can use the force to lift it out and he fails. He says, I can't. It's too big. Yoda talks him into trying again. And he goes, but I already tried. And Yoda tells him, “do or do not. There is no try”. I believed that for a long ass time until I figured out that, wait, if I don't try, then what happens? Do I, or do I not? It's a choice, but first you have to try, you have to

try climbing those stairs. You have to try navigating that car. You have to try, making sure that the food on your fork gets in your mouth. You have to try to find out whether you do or do not. So, Yoda's logic is flawed. Don't tell him. But it's a nice little discussion to have amongst your peeps. “Do or do not, there is no try” but what is a try? Try is the effort that you control putting into whatever, and the success or failure is the result of your try.

So, what are you going to do? Hmm? Focus on the result? I don't recommend it. Disappointment, nobody likes it. So, don't invite it. Don't expect that everything's going to go right or everything's going to go wrong. Something's going to happen. Treat it like you don't know what's wrapped in the Christmas present. “It is what it is”. And then once you understand that it is, then you get the choice of how you're going to react to it, and therein lies, once again, your superpower. You get to choose how you respond, or react, or what happens next. It's all up to you. Don't believe me? When you're by yourself, try to do something that you've done a whole bunch. Tie your shoes. Now, tie your shoes with your eyes closed. Now, if that works, see if you can make it around your house, how far can you make it around your house, or your living space, with your eyes closed? Do you know where everything is? Do you think you know where everything is? Either you do or you don't. See how successful you are and that's the real litmus test on the whole expectation thing. You expect that the shoelace is not going to break. You expect the foot of the couch is where you thought it was. You stubbed your toe on it because your eyes were closed. See what I'm saying? There are little mind experiments like this that I've learned a lot from. I've learned limits.

There's a movie called Magnum Force. It's an old Clint Eastwood movie. Dirty Harry is going up against kind of a psycho captain who has three rookie cops who've decided that they're going to clean up, right? Just take out all the bad guys, regardless of the law. And, throughout the movie Callahan says this phrase, “a man's got to know his limitations”. He ends up vanquishing all the cops, all the renegade cops, and now it's just him and this captain guy. And the guy thinks he has him. They did a car chase and there's only one car that's still working, and this cheap guy's gonna take it back to the station, and he's gonna say, “I'm gonna make sure that you're prosecuted to the END OF EXISTENCE, using the very system you've lost respect for”. But what he doesn't realize is that Harry got to the car first, and earlier, they tried to kill him with a bomb. And he diffused it, put it in the back seat of the car. So the, the chief with the gun is, “get away from the car, just move back”. And before he does, Harry turns on the timer, and he backs away from the car, as instructed, and the chief guy gets in the car, and backs it up, and then starts driving forward. And all of a sudden…BOOM! Car frickin explodes. And Harry just looks, nods his head and grins a little bit. And he says, “a man’s GOT to know his limitations”. I hope that you realize you control what your limitations are. I hope you know what they are, and if you don't, I hope that you find them. Cause it's good to know how far is too far, and how much is too much for you.

Wow, pretty heavy. Thanks. Thanks for being here today. Thanks for, uh, sticking around and going through The Book Of Wanz with me. There's, uh, probably like four or five chapters left and then life gets really interesting because my plan was, I'm gonna start a podcast and I'm gonna read from The Book Of Wanz and see how it registers with people. Well, jury’s still out because I'm not done with the book yet.

So, make sure you go forth and tell people about this podcast. Tell them that, just tell them your experience with it, what you think of it, whether it sucks or whether it's amazing, or anywhere in between. Can't deny the topics are kind of pertinent to the one thing we all share and that is life, my friend.

I hope that your day is better than you thought, not expected, but thought it would be. And I hope the things that you are putting an effort to acquire come to you and that bad old disappointment boogeyman Stays away.

Cool. I'll see you next Wednesday on WANZOLOGY!!! Byeeeeeeeeee!!!