Wanzology

 What's happening? What's happening? What's up with you, wi’chu? Hmm? How you doing? I hope you are, uh, fulfilling every need your destiny requires today. I am your host, The Wanz, and you are in another episode of WANZOLOGY.

Thank you so much for coming to visit. Nah. And, as in previous episodes, we are still, still inside #THEBOOKOFWANZ, which you can get your own copy of at your Amazon. So, today, the chapter is SOMETIMES TOO MUCH IS TOO LITTLE AND TOO LITTLE IS TOO MUCH.

Ever had that feeling that no matter how hard you try, you just can't get ahead. You just can't get anything done. You can't be enough. I have as well. I had a situation where no matter how hard I tried to be there for someone, it wasn't enough. A lady friend was really down in the dumps, really dumping on herself and totally feeling guilty for things I felt she wasn't responsible for. I was trying to be a good listener, help her figure out her feelings and get her through it. But the more she talked about her problems, the more I came to realize that she wasn't taking any responsibility for her actions. She wasn't including her behavior as a part of the problem. The more I tried to point out where she was involved in a situation, the more she would blame the situation on someone or something else.

I finally had to give up and let them wander through these problems all by themselves. Sometime later, I heard from a mutual friend that the woman whom I tried to help was dumping on me, talking behind my back, saying that I didn't know what I was talking about and calling me names. Why would she do that?
Why would someone ask for help, then dump on the person who helped her, behind their back, no less? Sometimes we give too much, and what we give is not enough for that person, place, or situation to which we're giving. Sometimes, we don't give enough of what we're supposed to give, and that diminished effort is too much inadequacy for a situation.

I know it sounds confusing, but the more I thought about it, The more it made sense to me, if I give too much, even all that I have, that may be too little for what is needed or required. Conversely, if I don't give very much effort, time, energy, etc. Then that becomes too little for what is needed, leading to the problem growing too much. Balance in life is a tough thing to achieve. It's even harder to know how much of anything you should or shouldn't be doing. I guess the idea is to be conscious. Be aware of the moment you're in, ask questions, and listen carefully for those clues that will help you give not too little or not too much.

So, it's very interesting, when you try to help someone, sometimes it causes more damage than if you would have just sat and watched. And you wish you could have done more, but for some reason you didn't. Then again, there are other times when you could do more and more and more. So you do, I mean, think about it. Take your bestie of best friends for a second. Now, if they're going through it, if they're not happy with the way life is going for them, I would imagine it would be instinctive to go, “Hey, what's going on? Um, how can I help?” And they keep asking you to do things for them. And then you figure out these are things that they probably could do themselves.

If they had a level of accountability for themselves. I mean, sometimes this is the long rope. My pops used to say,” just let people keep doling out that rope. Pretty soon they'll hang themselves with it.” And I've seen a lot of experiences where someone is damn sure that everything around them is the problem, and they take themselves out of the equation. But how can you not be in your own life? How can you not be responsible for your own actions? I mean, that just doesn't make any sense to me. Who am I? Let's check out the other side of the coin. There have been many, many, many situations where I could have done more, but didn’t for one reason or another, I couldn’t bring myself, to involve myself emotionally, physically, spiritually to someone else's situation. But that was mostly out of fear that I'd get sucked into the vortex and start losing myself. There are people in this world who are born and bred power suckers. They will take and take and take from you and leave you once they've sucked you dry. Usually they turn around and say, well, what did you expect? I mean, it's not my fault that you chose to help me. Wow. Talk about your strange little victim blaming there. So, what do you do? How do you know? How do you know how much too much and how little is too little…ask. I know it sounds so bloody simple, but you know, life itself is pretty simple.

It's just not always that easy. Now, is it? There are people in this world, in your circle, who need you. They need you to be there to support them, so that they can be there to support you. And as much as you don't want life to be transactional, humans are basically transactional. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, I think that's the way this thing goes. But, you know, I can't really say what's gonna work when you're scratching the back of someone who doesn't really have arms. They have no ability to turn around and scratch your back some way. They have no compunction to try to help you after you've helped them. And it's experience. It's all about the experience, right? You cannot transmit something you have not got. And if you need to get, quote unquote, ‘something’ from someone else I'm not sure that's always going to work. I mean, there is support that you can get hugs, smiles, good wishes, even prayers. But there are also those who have no clue of what you might need before or after you've helped them.

So how do you, how do you crack this nut? How do you know when too little is too much and too much is too little? You got to pay attention. People will always show you who they are. That is more than demonstrated in everybody's life. People will always show you who they are. And if you do simple things for someone, you can see how they react to it. Because if they're accommodating and, “Oh, that was really cool. Thank you.” Or at least acknowledge that you've done something. If it's a little thing, the odds are pretty good that when it's ish hitting the fan time and you jump in with both hands and both feet to help prop them up and clean them off, they'll reciprocate in some way, shape or form. They'll at least acknowledge that you helped them. But if they don’t, if they don't acknowledge the little things, How do you possibly think they're going to acknowledge the big things that you do to help? And you know, big is relative, right? Sometimes somebody just needs a hug. Somebody needs a handshake, a smile. Sometimes they need food, money, time. You control all of these things in yourself. So you've got to be aware of what you're putting out and what someone else is picking up. They're not picking up what you're putting out there. You better like reel it in a little bit until they notice they're not getting something. And then they'll show you, they'll tell you, they'll ask you, “what's wrong?”, and there's your opening. Well, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if you really needed to help. That's one way of slowly wind down what you and see if it's noticed. The other way that’s way more direct is simply to ask, “well, how can I help?”,” Can I help?”, “What do you need?”, and then you get to decide whatever the response is, whether that response is too little or too much for you. They're not going to know. No one is a mind reader, but if you have that level of character that you always want to help someone, how do you help someone without strings attached? Hmm. Cause that's what it's going to take. It's going to take you giving and giving and giving without the expectation of any return or having that return be minimal.

My experience has been, I usually don't expect anything from anyone but a smile. That is having the acknowledgement is all I really need. No one likes to be ignored, especially no one who is helping someone. Simple case, open the door for somebody. Let them go in before you. Yesterday I went into the auto parts store and there was a lady who is my senior coming up the walkway, and I went in and held the door open and she got a big smile and she said, “thank you very much, young man.” And I said, “you're welcome, young lady.” I felt good. I bet she felt good too.

It's reciprocal. You can't help it. There is a little bit of transactional dealing going on in living life. You can't get around it, but if it doesn't involve cash, how hard is it really to give to someone without any strings, any expectations? How hard is it? It's damn hard. It's really tough. Because when you do something for someone, it's natural to think, Oh, well, I'd at least like to be acknowledged. Maybe that person can do something for me. Is that unreasonable? I don't think so. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation for good needs to be reciprocal. A lot of people are really, really happy to reciprocate when it's bad, but there's a name for that. It's called revenge. I don't particularly dig revenge to me. That's like tug of war. back and forth, both people pulling on each end. How do you avoid getting caught in a tug of war? It's very simple. Don't pick up the rope. Don't start. None won't be none. It's very, very simple. Just not always that easy, which is why I say you have to pay attention.

You have to pay attention to what your effect. Now, is that an affect or an effect? Good question. But what effect you are having on a situation, on a person, on a place, on a situation, how much are you putting in there? Hmm. Don't be surprised if sometimes when you thought that you were very, very helpful, it wasn't enough. Also don't be surprised that your little commentary on someone else's situation was way more than they wanted. Either way, they're going to let you know, they’re going to let you know. So be careful, be careful not to give more than you have. And if you have a lot, don't give it all. Never give it all. Keep some for yourself because after that little situation is over, you're still going to be inside your head going, “I wonder if I was helpful” or, “I wish they would have said something that was kind of acknowledgement that I was taking the time, the most valuable thing I have, to help them.” You can be that honest with yourself. Can't you? I mean, it's okay to hate as long as your hate's in your head and it's not directed against your-self. Yeah. Two words. Pretty strong word, but I think you understand what I'm trying to say. That self-evaluation of, how am I doing? Am I giving too much? Am I giving enough?

All you have to do is pay attention to the reaction. And I pretty much guarantee you, the reaction's gonna tell you everything you wanna know. Like I said, be careful, and pay attention.

Cool, thanks so much for being here. It's weird. It's, it's hard. Even though it's simple, like I said, it's not that easy. A lot of this WANZOLOGY stuff is trial and error. But then again, so is most of life. And that's how you got this far. Keep that in mind.

All right. Take care of yourselves. I will see you. Well, I won't see you. I'll be here next Wednesday. Hopefully you will be too. And I hope that you tell somebody about WANZOLOGY and uh, we'll all be together again next time.

Later.